Saturday, 31 March 2012

The Friend

'He could have castrated both of us' he said sitting at my bedside.

Saturday, 24 March 2012

The Toothbrush

Howard Carter's toothbrush was very worn. It had big chunks missing and its bristles splayed out in all directions. The great Egyptologist had used it to clean the thousands of talismans that festooned the remains of King Tutankhamun.


Howard Carter had terrible breath.  

Saturday, 17 March 2012

The Pretty Librarian

Once while at college I was getting a book out of the library; The Sirens of Titan by Kurt Vonnegut, I handed it over to this pretty librarian who said something like 'Oh Kurt Vonnegut, he came here last year.'
I told her he was my idol, that if I could write a tenth as well as him I'd be happy.
That's what I said and it's true.
I asked her how many books I could take out.
Fifteen.
A few days later I am visiting this girl I met she wears White Musk and has this funny neck I haven't decided if I like or not. I'm trying to find this girl with the funny neck's room. I said I'd take her out to dinner but she's given me the wrong number or I took it down wrong. I wrote down room K212 but some guy Andrew had his name on the door to room K212. I have this terrible idea that Andrew might be the girl with the funny neck's boyfriend.
I knock anyway. Andrew isn't in.
I try the floor below. Nope, no one has heard of a girl called Emma, the girl with the funny neck I'm not sure I like or not.
Then I try upstairs.
Emma is in the doorway of room K312 she's putting on these big boots. Her friends are getting ready to go out. She says 'We're going to the pub, want to come?' I say 'Sure.'
Her neck is still funny.
It's really packed and I queue for hours at the bar. I'm bored queuing so I say for a joke to this girl who's in front of me; 'Perhaps in another life we were complete strangers.'
I'm always saying that.
And she says 'Perhaps in another life you could write one tenth as well as Kurt Vonnegut.'
It's the pretty librarian.
We talk about art and law. She did a degree in French, Japanese and business studies. She's a cradle Catholic. 
 At the end of the evening she gets on her bike and leaves me in a part of town I don't know.

Saturday, 10 March 2012

The Girlfriend

I was seeing seeing this girl who was kind of odd; she had pen nibs instead of nipples.


During sex she'd write things in blue all over my duvet. The first night she wrote: The ironsmith fashions it and works it over the coals, he shapes it with hammers and forges it with his strong arm; he becomes hungry and his strength fails, he drinks no


Then the second night she wrote: water and is faint. The carpenter stretches a line, he marks it out with a pencil: he fashions it with places and marks it with a compass; he shapes it into the figure of a man and with the beauty of a man, to dwell in a house. He cuts down cedars, he chooses an oak and lets it grow strong among the trees


I couldn't tell if she did it on purpose or not. She said she wasn't aware of it. It cost me a fortune in dry-cleaning bills.


Anyway we stopped going out when she came over one day and found of the forest; he plants a cedar and the rain nourishes it. Then it becomes fuel for a man; he takes part of it and warms himself, he kindles a fore and bakes bread also he makes a god and worships it. Half of it burns in the fire; over the other half he eats flesh, he roasts meat and is satisfied; also he warms himself and says written on my duvet. It was in red. Her sister had written it.

Saturday, 3 March 2012

Were we married?

I met this girl I hadn't seen since school in a bar. We talked about things. She had more spots than before. Her boyfriend was a sculptor from South London. One thing we talked about was a play we'd both been in in year 9. We couldn't remember if, in the play, I had been her husband or not. We said things like 'were we married? I can't remember its been so long.'


I hope someone heard us talking like that.

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