Sunday, 7 December 2014

Good News and Bad

God has left a message in the stars - unfortunately his hand writing is so bad it will take a billion years for scientists and theologians to understand it.  

Sunday, 30 November 2014


'What is art? What is love? And what does it feel like to know you are going to die?' God asked.

Sunday, 23 November 2014

Metaphysics explained

Just because something doesn't 'mean' anything doesn't mean it doesn't mean anything.

Sunday, 16 November 2014


Invisible metaphor of everything. 
Figment of our genes. 
Distant relative we never had. 
Impossible melancholy. 
Optical effect of our minds. 
Giant, hollow echo.
Long evolved shadow cascading down our double helix. 
Faceless face with the eyeless eyes.
Undiscovered nothing.

Sunday, 9 November 2014

The Holy Man

From a young age K. spent all his time in church.

The Bible was his colouring-in-book.

He slept on top of a tomb and hung his coat on the cross.

He ate at the alter table, pissed in the font and shat in the pews.

On Sundays he went outside to pray.

Sunday, 2 November 2014

The Sightseer

"Why do you stand so close to the abyss?"
"The view."

Sunday, 26 October 2014

The Laugh

I asked her if she believed in God. She laughed and I never found out if she had laughed in belief or disbelief.

Sunday, 19 October 2014


A beautiful woman wearing a dress resembling a lamp carries a lamp shaped like a beautiful woman.

Sunday, 12 October 2014

The Super Power

"I wish I had the power to believe people even when I know they are lying" he said not really meaning it.

Sunday, 20 July 2014

Sunday, 13 July 2014

Background Radiation

All the churches and mosques and temples and synagogues were encased in wire mesh becoming giant Faraday cages through which no wi fi or phone network could penetrate. 
And inside the churches and mosques and temples and synagogues people would sit or kneel or want not in the sweet silence and hear themselves think. 

Sunday, 6 July 2014


In our minuscule boats we meander around the foreign shadows of great truths.

Sunday, 29 June 2014

The Apeman

Wearing a feathered headdress the apeman clumsily picked up the words he had made and placed them in his open mouth. 
The words felt full of magic to the apeman, as if with them he would describe the whole great concourse of his existence - when, of course, such a thing was utterly impossible.

Sunday, 22 June 2014

A Practical use of Friends

We need other people - if only to help us navigate between what really happened and what we dreamt happened.

Sunday, 15 June 2014

Fairy Tale

Once upon a time a boy found a mirror from a Carnival Fun House. He hung it in his room and looked at it everyday. 

Years later he married a beautiful dwarf and lived happily ever after.

The End.

Sunday, 8 June 2014

Blissfully Brief Moment Inside The Human Mind

Bias, bias, pre-justice, rationalisation, bias, preconception, prejudice, prejudice, bias, stereotype, bias, bias, untruth, prejudice, bias, preconception, thought, bias, untruth, bias, rationalisation, preconception, stereotype, prejudice, bias…

Sunday, 1 June 2014


Ideas are like hats, no matter what their shape they will one day be out of fashion.

Sunday, 25 May 2014

The Face

She had a face like a perfect argument

Her eyes were two balanced premisesher nose a semi divine therefore and her mouth was the only conclusion a mortal could hope to reach.

Sunday, 18 May 2014

Sunday, 11 May 2014


The world will end on the 17th October 2007!

The world will end on the 4th of June 2011!

The world will end on the 11th of May 2013!

The world will end!

Sunday, 4 May 2014

Sunday, 27 April 2014

Forests within Forests

I lost myself in a forest of metaphors of my own making, where was I?

Lost in a forest of metaphors of someone else's making.

Sunday, 20 April 2014

The Note Book

I once had a girlfriend who loved all the things I wrote about her in my note book: crazy stories about her eyes, her breasts and what not.

Six months into our relationship we were arguing all the time and in the end she left me... for my note book.

Saturday, 12 April 2014

First Contact

In the distant future near the Gliese star system an earth ship will encounter a vessel from the alien civilisation known as the Farg.

Following this first contact it will became painfully clear that the two species possess radically divergent systems of logic and mathematics that cause each such epistemological headaches and doubts they eventually bilaterally pretend their meeting never happened.

Sunday, 6 April 2014

Market Forces

The Happiness Shop was very large and situated on a busy high street. It had big florescent signs in it's window promising outrageous amounts of happiness and always had sizeable crowds outside.

Hidden down a nearby back street was the much smaller Truth Shop. Looking through it's dusty little window it was hard to make out exactly what was inside or if it was open or closed. The truth shop's only customers were vagabonds, poets or the clinically insane and the young man that worked there was seriously considering another line of work.

Sunday, 30 March 2014

If God was Real

If God was real after the news a priest would come on and say things like "Tomorrow God will start off ambivalent, becoming more vengeful as the afternoon progresses."

And we would wear crosses the way we carry umbrellas.

Sunday, 23 March 2014

Nature Lover

Outside my window the neighbouring trees infidecimally slowly fight it out to the death.

Sunday, 16 March 2014

The Collapsable Cathedral

The new Cathedral had been designed rather like a concertina so that it's Bishop could count how many people were waiting outside and with a turn of a dial expand or contract the cathedral's vaulted ceiling and walls accordingly. 

During periods of great national crisis (war, famine and disease) the dial was turned up as far as it would go and the Cathedral took up an entire block but most of the time the house of God with it's gargoyles, flying buttresses and holy relics was folded out of the way between Pound land and Tesco Metro.

Sunday, 9 March 2014

The Misunderstanding

While waiting for the traffic lights to change the man tied his shoe lace and the woman he was with said yes.

Sunday, 2 March 2014

The Teacher

The teacher explains Post Modernism to his students who refuse to listen to another word he says, perceiving him as merely a social construct.

Sunday, 23 February 2014

The Merry-Go-Round

Unceremoniously we are placed aboard by unseen hands. Our eyes still closed we grab on instinctively as we and everything else spins round at terrifying velocities. 

Cautiously we open our eyes and the lights dazzle us then, noticing meaning within the seeming chaos; patterns and colours and faces and things, the fear slowly recedes.

Incrementally we start to make sense of things. Then just as we are beginning to almost feel at home amid the great spinning absurdness of it all, our senses and faculties of mind commence to fail and the fear returns. 

Inevitably our bony fingers lose their grip and we are flung from the contraption, our body fuelling the rapid revolutions of the next passenger.

Sunday, 16 February 2014

The Party

"Oh it's not that you're interesting" she explained "you're just the least boring."

Sunday, 9 February 2014

Great Dialogue

I said something then they said something then I said something else then the conversation sort of came to an end.

Sunday, 2 February 2014

A Literary End

The secret death-wish of all novelists: to be squashed beautifully by a pallet of pristine blank A4 paper.

Saturday, 25 January 2014

Metaphors 2

Just as a house with a door and two windows is not a face so Nature is not God.

Sunday, 19 January 2014

The Leak

When Mr Lipinski bathroom tap, that had leaked for twenty years, suddenly stopped leaking Mr Lipinski called a plumber to fix it.

Sunday, 12 January 2014

The House

A long time ago now on my way up Hornsey Lane to work I passed an old lady standing on the other side of the road next to an easel with a picture of a house.

"Have you got a cigarette?" she shouted across the road.
"I don't smoke" I shouted back.

For a long time after that the old lady would be there each morning building the house in the picture. For some reason she started with the roof then the walls and ended with the foundations. 

I never saw anyone help her and think she built the whole place by herself, which was really quite something for a woman of her advanced years. It took her months. 
(I don't know if she worked on the house on the weekends.) 
Every day I passed she would shout across the road: "Have you got a cigarette?" and I would shout back "I don't smoke."

A few days before her house was finished I passed by as usual and she had opened her mouth to shout "Have you got a cigarette?" when I beat her to it and shouted "I don't smoke."
"Prick" shouted the old lady.


When her house was finished the old lady went away and no one ever lived in the house. I don't know why, perhaps it was all that non-existent cigarette smoke that put people off.

Sunday, 5 January 2014

The Philosopher

He was about to explain why the traditional Christian notion of Free Will was an utterly empty concept but changed his mind at the last moment. 

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