The Tattoo

A man with a tattoo of the Yin Yang on his shoulder got depressed and painted the Yang part black. 
People thought his tattoo was a mole.
No one knew how depressed he was.

Alcohol

I once visited a supermarket that had a petition to allow it to sell alcohol. I signed the petition telling the check-out girl that clouds of alcohol molecules were the largest objects in the galaxy, some five billion times the mass of our sun, and that it was from such clouds that worlds and stars were formed.
To which the check-out girl replied: "You're not from around here are you."

Judgement Day

On Judgement Day everyone's souls left their bodies but the empty bodies still went to work, wrote poetry, got drunk, had arguments and love affairs and so on - as if nothing had happened.

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What sort of a crime could make a man spend four years in a spin dryer? What if the man had, in fact, committed no crime at all?

Not believing in God

Not believing in God is like not shaving.
'Oh you're growing a beard' people say.
'No, I'm just not shaving.'

The Statistician

A statistician observed in amazement a jumbo jet being blown together by the wind. Before he could tell anyone the statistician broke into a million pieces.

The Psychic

I once phoned a psychic and invited her to come over and tell me my future. At the end of our phone conversation she asked me for my address.
'But you're psychic' I reminded her and hung up.

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After many years of studying the mindless actions of the insects on the floor of his confessional, the priest renounced his faith and became an entomologist.

Love

I take my wife out to dinner. I scan the restaurant for attractive women; one takes my eye. She is smiling. It is my wife in the giant mirror that stretches across the room like time.

Enormous Rubber Hands

God looked at the reflection he made in car windows as he passed, hoping to see his head, but the cars were all too low down and the closest he got were glimpses of his enormous rubber hands.

Doubting Thomas

When Jesus had shown Doubting Thomas the holes in his hands Thomas had laughed, slapped Jesus on the back and wandered off into the misty and contorted folds of history.

Diary of a Dead Man

Monday 15th .........................................
Tuesday 16th .........................................
Wednesday 17th ......................................
Thursday 18th ........................................
Friday 19th ..........................................

The Sunflowers

Every morning I remark to myself how well my sunflowers are doing; they are a constant source of inspiration and wonder to me.
(I know the sunflowers are plastic but I do not tell myself this.)

Ghosts

I once attended a series of lectures on ghosts. At the first the lecturer asked if anyone had seen a ghost; about ten people put up their hands.
At the second lecture he asked if anyone had ever been touched by a ghost; four people put up their hands.
At the third lecture the lecturer asked if anyone had ever slept with a ghost; no one put up their hands and I stopped going to those particular lectures.

The Agnostic

Some say you cannot sit on the fence forever. 
What they fail to realize is that the fence is very wide, has everything one could need and has the best of all views. 

War Story

During a lull in the fighting the soldiers smoked cigarettes and showed each other pictures of their sweethearts back home. One took out a carefully folded picture of himself.

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God hadn't been seen for some time.
Neighbours became concerned about the smell and phoned the council. He was found sitting in his favourite armchair; he had been dead for ages. The flat was in total chaos.

God's Camper Van

It is entirely possible that the universe is contained in a small green box on a shelf in the back of God's camper van, but does this help? Does it alleviate any need? Is it in the slightest way helpful or constructive?

The Flamingo

I once found a stuffed flamingo outside a taxidermist that had gone belly up. I took it home. My wife thought it might have fleas. I told her it was alright; the fleas were stuffed too.

The Train

Life is the moving from the simple to the complex to the simple again - a train ride from the countryside into a great city and out once more into the countryside.

The Knife

The Fifth century Chinese philosopher Fan Chen said: 
'The spirit (the soul) is to the body what sharpness is to the sharp knife. We have never known the existence of sharpness after the destruction of the knife. How can we admit the survival of the spirit when the body is gone?'

Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints
Other times there were one set of footprints.


This bothered me because I noticed
That during the low periods of my life
When I was suffering from
Aguish, sorrow or defeat
I could see only one set of footprints.


I pointed this out to the Lord and he said;
'You think you're the only Bozo in the Universe with problems?
I was busy. Get over yourself.'

The Butterfly

And from then on he was never sure if he was a woman trapped in a man's body who had dreamed he was a butterfly or a butterfly who had dreamed he was a woman trapped in a man's body.